If You Could Turn Back Time...

... would you want to change anything?

As a true Libra, I see things from different viewpoints. =p

If I really want to change, perhaps another family. Sad but true. Reason being if I were born in a different family, perhaps I'll not be the way I am now. I think your family really do play a part in shaping the way you are now. I see myself following my mum's footsteps, but all the bad points. -_- I don't like it. If I were say in a family like my cousins', perhaps, just perhaps, I'll be more ambitious, smarter at work, better in relationships, etc.

If I really want to change, perhaps to be more religious. Never wavering. I do believe there's a God, but many a times, I feel like He isn't watching over me as I'd like Him to. When I was at my most depressive moments, I can't feel Him. I lost the faith along the rocky path. But as my best friend would say, He just has better plans for me, but He's always there. Nah, I'm not preaching. I hate people who preach despite their better intentions. I'm not known for acknowledging people who try and preach me.

Still got others, but I think I'll just stop here. =p

But then again, if I can change things, what I have now will change too. Nothing is constant. And do I want to change things that I have now? Not very likely. Family relationship is better now than before. I have a loving husband who I have a love-hate relationship with. =p (Yah, sometimes he annoys the hell out of me and we fight like, quite constantly as poor Bui would know since she has to listen to me whine and complain and rant about him. Sorry! =x But still, he's still there for me. I'm just a difficult person to be with and so far only he can tahan me.) I enjoy what I'm doing now, really, though a better paycheck would be fabulous. =p I have friends whom I know I can keep for life.

If I really do change the past, I don't think I'll still find this job. I don't think I'll meet these kind of colleagues, friends and acquaintances. I don't think I'll meet those guys from my past. I don't think I'll meet him. I don't think I'll have the current life that I have. My life may be better, maybe worse. You'll never know.

It just makes me think that, one shouldn't focus on the past, thinking about the many 'if onlys', 'what ifs', 'what could haves', etc. Should might as well look forward and see how you can shape your future. What for wishing to turn back time and change things? It's not as if there's a guarantee that your life would be better now. It could just easily become worser.

I'm just so in a philosophical mood. -_- *yawns* I think I think too much sometimes. Lol.

I Wanna Complain...

Sorry Tam, wanna blog something else more interesting, but I wanna complain! Gonna be draggy. -_- As usual lah, about HIM!

His secondary school classmate invited him to her wedding. Then he never ask me or what, just say he going, then if I follow him what am I gonna do there. WTF. Means he not bringing me lah! -_-

Angry because he never ask me and make his own decision. Also because it makes me feel like he doesn't want to bring me go because too fat and ugly lor. So shameful. *SULKS* Then he gimme crap reasons like she invited him only, he just wanna save money (because if I go, means he gotta fork out more for angpao mah), and doesn't want to inconvenience her by asking if I can go or not.

What the hell lor. To me these are crap reasons. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Perhaps. But it just annoys the hell out of me. It doesn't help that he is also as bad-tempered as me. So two stubborn mules together, both go nowhere.

But no meh, if wedding dinner of course husband and wife go together what. Even if invitation card never write also expected one mah. So difficult to ask one meh? And ang pao money I cannot fork out half meh? What c**k lor. Maybe she don't know he ROM liao mah, so never ask him and his wife what. Duh.

Anyhow, am just frustrated. *Trying to think happy thoughts*

KL Trip...

Went ahead with the KL trip! =D So glad we did. Anyhow, we had to go, because his friend had already booked a hotel for us and coach tickets back to Singapore.

Enjoyed myself there, though please remind me NEVER to wear high heels there. Walked like mad lah. I didn't wear my sneakers up, because we wanted to buy new matching sneakers there. And I was going to wear my high boots there to the wedding dinner anyway. And it didn't help that stupid 'auntie visit' came just the day before lor. So tired from the long coach ride up, having blardy cramps and walking with my heavy bag in the stupid heels, made me REALLY grumpy.

And so of course we argued when we reached KLCC. He was grumpy too, because probably tired from the coach ride too, and worried about me, because I was stuck in the toilet for so long. So he was pulling a long face when I finally surfaced from the toilet. Which of course irritated me. But well, as usual lah, we don't argue for long. =p And I'm happy to report that no other arguments during the whole trip, so yeah! (Hey, it's an achievement lor. =p Bui will know why. Lol.)

Anyhow, KL definitely is not a place for me. Too many good food! Went out with his brother's family, and ate SO much! But enjoyed spending time with them. =) Had a good time at the dinner too, with his friends, though I look pretty retarded there, because everyone spoke Cantonese, and my Cantonese is pretty limited. -_- I only understood bits and pieces lor. Worse is that he also started talking to me in Cantonese. -_-

But I'm so proud of myself! *smirks* For once I tried to be unselfish and reasonable and understanding lor. Hahahahaha... Let him have fun going for a foot massage with his friends for slightly less than an hour, instead of making him come back to the hotel with me to countdown for my birthday lor. And I went back and packed our bags for him. It was a total mess when we left for the dinner, because we ended up changing clothes for the dinner. (Brought our ROM suits, because he wanted to wear that, so might as well follow him lor. But ended up last minute changing back to NORMAL clothes. =p And you know I'm a messy person. =x)

So yah, so poor me was alone in the hotel room on my birthday. He came back right after the massage lah. =p Thought he may wanted to go out for supper or something with his friend, since he hasn't met up with him for ages. I had smsed him to say it's ok, I'll be fine on my own. =p

Anyhow, yah, *beams* At least he appreciates all that! Heee... Nothing much on my birthday though, no surprises, what not. *sighs* But well, he's like that lah. What to do. -_- Blockhead. But still a loveable one. =) This trip has been real successful I must say. Hopefully the next one will be just as fun and happy! =) But don't know when lah. Should be next year bah. =(

Anyway, thanks all for the birthday wishes. Really touched. =) *muacks* Love ya all!

Funeral...

Sometimes I hate myself for being so petty. Like I told Bui on Monday, when his godma had passed away, I hated myself for not accompanying him on Sunday when he went to visit her. Granted, I didn't know she was so sick. I thought he was only going to drop by and see her. I had sulked because he was about to leave the house without me, without telling me where he was going. So when I had thrown tantrum before he stepped out, he just said he was going to his godma, and only when I sulked and asked why he didn't ask me, did he ask. By then I was already fuming because it's like, HELLO, this type of thing don't need to ask lor. You tell me I'll sure go with you one. But then when he asked I refused to go and sulked in the room. Only when he returned, did he explain that he was just worried that I'll be uncomfortable or scared being there since she was so sick.

And then Monday morning, she passed away.

So yeah, I still felt much regret for not going, so throwing tantrums. *sighs* I just feel so bad. Not to mention feeling guilty for daring to even THINK how my KL trip and birthday is ruined because he said most probably we're not going to KL anymore to attend the wedding. -_- Bad right? Haiz.

Anyhow, I just hope he won't be feeling so sad. Because he sort of thinks he was a jinx, because she died the next day after seeing him. But it was otherwise. Apparently, she had deteriorated on Wednesday or something, and then she just couldn't fall asleep. Only after seeing him, did she sleep and then she never woke up. =( She even bought him a gold ring after his mum showed her our ROM photos, which her kids passed to him yesterday.

Sighs. I just wish I don't have to attend anymore funerals. (I went back with him to accompany him.) Depressing. And I hate how he doesn't tell me how he feels, what he's thinking.

But this whole issue has taught me something. That you don't know when you'll die. It's best to have no regrets. At least, more or less, his godma shouldn't have much regrets. Seeing how she had waited to see him before she left. She had said her goodbyes to him. And I really should learn to control my stubborness and temper. -_-

Only he can tahan me and lets me off for all my tantrums, stubborness and such. I think only he can really love me despite all my faults.

Jaded...

I don't know why, but am feeling so jaded.

I'm sick of feeling this way. I want to go back to feeling so carefree and happy-go-lucky. But have I ever felt that way before in the first place?

Why can't things be simpler? And yet sometimes it's me who think things into things more complicated than they really are.

Hopefully the reason why I'm feeling this way is because of PMS. PRE. =(

Usually when I'm having PMS, I get pretty oversensitive. Like, way overboard. So yah, I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like he loves me lesser because I'm getting so fat.

*sighs*

Times like this, I wish I were aneroxic.

My Birthday Wishlist...

My Birthday Wish List:-

1) A new Sony Ericsson phone
– my phone 'koyak' liao leh... but I'm waiting for the latest phone to finally arrive. K850i. One of the best. But also quite like W960i too. Touch-screen. Love that!

2) A new BIG pillow
– to replace my old pillow in the office? Wahahahahaha...

3) Nintendo DS Lite
– pretty please? 2nd hand also can... =p I think the games quite cute leh! And handy for me when I go over to HIS place and he's surfing the net and ignoring me.

4) A sugar-daddy
– to buy me all the things I want and yet don't need. -_- I also want to be disgustingly rich and collect mobile phones as a hobby. *pouts*

5) Miniature perfume set
– I love anything miniature, period. Some miniature perfume bottles are so uniquely shaped. Interesting. Those cute little cakes, food, figurines are so darn cute can? =p When I have my own home, I'm gonna make sure he buys me a glass cabinet for me to fill with cute little trinkets.

6) A new soft toy, something like 'Jimmy'
– one of my weakness; soft toys just make me go "OOH SO KEWTTT". -_- I think that's probably the only time anyone will see the girly side of me. Hahaha… =p I think when I have my own home, I'm gonna have a "Soft Toys" corner. And my bed's gonna be KING SIZED, so that I can bring them to bed with me. Well, worse come to worst, he can go sleep on the floor... *chuckles*

7) Christian Dior eye-shadow set
– the pink casing with a big 'bling bling' D lettering in front? I think it's awfully pretty! Though I don't know if I'll have much use for that, because I don't really apply eye shadows. Don't know how, to be frank. I only know how to draw smoky eyes. But that's easy. Just draw thick eyeliner and go to sleep. Wake up with instant smoky eyes. Lol!

8) Laptop
– I want a laptop to call my own. Compact and portable. So that I can bring it over to his place and surf net too.

9) Story books
– As thick as possible, preferably romance? Or touching kind. I like books that can make me cry. =p Thick because it can keep me occupied for quite some time. Hahahaha. None of those erotic fiction, as Bui would have thought, I'm sure. =p Don't know leh, I prefer reality than fantasy. =x

10) Pet
– I'd love a pet mouse can? =D Dogs are too high maintenance lah. Imagine the vaccinations, food, etc, gonna cost quite abit. And not as if I'm very rich lor. But a pet mouse, well, it's easier to handle and to bring around too! =p But must make sure he'll do the cleaning up for me. Kekekeke...

11) Hair Salon Voucher
– I need a new hairstyle! Tempted to do like Lyna leh, but later sure got people say I trying to copy her. Then sian liao lor! I already long time ago wanna perm my hair like that one leh. *SULKS* But I wanna colour my hair also. Hmmm, don't know what colour also. Maybe someone can offer to go with me and give comments and entertain me? =x

12) Something from Edynae http://edynae.livejournal.com/
- I love her stuff! My sis intro-ed me to this site and I REALLY wanna get something from there but seems like quite difficult lah, cos everything gets snapped up within an hour! Do go there and have a look ok! =p *BIG HINT*

And no, I don't want a tub of mayonnaise nor cheese. -_- Wait till I'm pregnant I might consider that. Lol. =p

But honestly, those are like, so material stuff, which I can do without. =) If I'd really have to make a wish, it's just a better life for us, at least to have our own house, fully renovated. The rest of the things, well, as long as I try to save more each month, I sure can get them myself anyway! =)

But why do I have to celebrate my birthday in Malaysia?! -_- Last year's birthday, was still in Malaysia, though coming back here lah. But this year's birthday also same case lor! *SULKS* Not fun one. I want to have a proper celebration! So sad, I last year no birthday cake on my birthday... Because was in Genting lor, on the way back! He got offer to buy lah, but aiyah, no small slices of cake... And then there was only me, him, his sister and bro-in-law, buy one cake and can't finish like quite stupid lor... So end up I tell him don't buy le... But of course got the big teddy bear as present! =p Hehe... Though I don't think this birthday he'll get anything... Because our anniversary I also didn't get him anything! =x Lol...

Can someone please tell him blatantly that he better do something romantic for my birthday?! Because I think subtle hints are lost with him... -_- Don't need to buy me expensive things lor! Handmade stuff I also like one lor! Also 'lomantik' mah! *pouts*

Guys are mostly SO NOT ROMANTIC one! *grumbles* Yesterday I also was talking to my student, saying how in the previous episode of the 9pm Channel 8 drama serials, Chen Hanwei's character was like, so romantic lor, balloons and teddy bear I think in the car-boot, and asked the girl to open the boot in the pretext of getting something. Then that student said the same thing as him lah "Wah lao, expensive lor, romance! Think no need money one meh?" Liews, how expensive can it be wor?! Not as if asking for 1-carat diamond or 9999 red roses, or what lor. >_<

Men. BAH!

Kneecap Pain Pain... =(

From Tam's blog:

You Are a Flashy Red Bra!

Outgoing, friendly, and fascinating. You're a charmer, with your pick of the men. But you want a man who's as magnetic as you are. You need someone who can keep up with your all night gab fests!

What Kind of Bra Are You?

Doesn't seem like me leh... I where got charmer? -_- But yeah, need someone who can keep up with me! Or more... =p I can't stand boring guys... Because I'm already boring le, wah liews, with a more boring guy who can't keep me entertained, I'll probably die of boredom! Lol...

Oh yah, yesterday (Monday), slipped and banged my knee on the stairs lah. Was raining when he sent me to work, and was wearing the raincoat for my shoes (whatever it called lah), and it was slippery. Walked up the stairs and slipped lor. Wah liews, more painful than tattooing lor! I literally dragged myself up the stairs and stumbled into the office before collapsing onto the chair, because was seeing stars le. -_- That intense ok, the pain?! Felt like puking and fainting. Liews. But after awhile ok lah. Only when Bui tried to rub on my kneecap, I almost slapped her lah. -_- PAIN LOR! Boss worse. Press so hard when I whined to her about it. >_<

Went home and he also tried rubbing. Some parts of the kneecap still not so pain, but kaoz, at one particular spot, the pain was like, long and intense lor! Screamed the house down. =x And feel like got creaking sound sia. He said maybe had hurt my knee ligament or something. Because was slightly swollen, and that spot wasn't exactly bruised. Also whined to him about how this stupid ah pek who was sitting at the stairs, see me fall, and just went "HA HA", without helping. Stupid MF. If I wasn't in so much pain, I'd have cursed and swore at him and threw my shoe at that blardy fella.

Anyway, today ok lah, can walk, only just now when I climbed the stupid escalator which had stopped working, kneecap still hurt. *whines* Ended up wabbling up the stairs. Lol.

Hmmm, nothing much actually. Had a big fight with him during the weekend over an issue, and which I also made known to him some unresolved issues from the past. It's difficult lah, for two people to be together, because of different values, expectations, desires, interpretations, etc. What he seems as ok, is not ok with me. Vice versa. Depends if you want to accept the differences or resolve them by coming to a compromise. Me, I'm usually the one who throws tantrums and he gives in, and I'll be easily placated. Bottomline is, end up there's no proper acceptance that he's that way, and no proper solution. So I guess it all added up and I threw it in his face when I quarrelled with him over an issue. Guess communication is quite important.

Oh well, all's well now, though I don't know if the issues have been resolved or what. But at least I have done my part and told him what I feel and don't like. Up to him if he wants to take them into consideration.

See lah, my entry super long right? =p

Anyway, yeah, birthday coming soon! Gonna celebrate with colleagues (present and ex) early in the month, because especially for me, knowing myself, by end of the month, I'm super broke, and won't have money to go out lah. Lol. Then not nice lor, everytime people jio me out I have to give excuses why I cannot go. Usually if I don't join you guys for outing, most of the time, it's because I'm broke lor, honestly. Not because I want to spend quality time with him. (Ok, that may be partly the reason at times... =p But mostly also because NO MOOLAH!)

Will type up my wish list next entry bah. Actually have written an entry titled My Birthday Wishlist leh, but hor, office block Blogger,so yah, cannot update. WTH.

Ok, I'm heading off to zzzzz...