Well, went to Malaysia again last weekend. This time to visit my grandparents, because well, the dowager had gave the instructions for all of us to go back. And well, truth be told I haven't been back to visit them for at least a year...
Well, hard to lah. When my parents go back to Malaysia, it's either I have something on or his has something on and I rather accompany him. We haven't got our own car either, so it's abit inconvenient. And well, if I had to choose between visiting his side and my side, I'll choose his any time.
But seeing kong kong so old now, and having a stroke sometime back, I can't help but wonder... Where has time gone? What have I done or achieved in life? Why haven't I done more to be more active in my grandparents' lives? In my parents' lives? Why aren't I more sociable and caring towards my family?
Sometimes I feel like I have so much regrets in life and yet I don't do anything about it. Perhaps I don't know how. Perhaps I feel it's too late. How to forge a better relationship with my parents and grandparents? I don't know how to speak dialect with the latter, so I can't communicate much with them. And we almost never talk, so I don't know what to say to them. With my parents, well, let's just say we don't communicate as much due to my younger days experiences. We are just not as close as I'd hoped. You know, like how some parents are actually friends with their kids? I want that kind of relationship, but that has been such far off since young. And it's too late now to try and salvage, much less cultivate such a relationship. But I do love my daddy so so much. I'll never forget how much he used to love me and showing it. Not that he doesn't now... But I missed those days when i'm just his little girl and he being my hero. I just want to be his little girl again. But all these are words that won't come out. What comes out are usually curt replies when I'm not in the mood, talking back when I feel that he's being naggy, nonchalant
replies when I'm busy doing mundane stuff, etc. I guess I'm just brought up this way, not expressive towards family.
Well, Monday was Ivory's wedding dinner. Somehow I just feel like crying. Thinking of how we used to be so close at my ex-company. And now finally she's married! Well, by right she was long married lah. Just that she had her wedding dinner like, half a year later? I don't know. Just felt so touched and glad to be at her wedding dinner. I wish them both a blissful marriage and to stay true and loving till the end of time!
Well, I hope this emo phase will blow over soon! I hate feeling so emo! Ok, it's late now, going to sleep and I hope my neck and throat will feel better before this weekend!
2 comments:
i totally understand how u feel! sometimes when i hear others talk rudely to their parents, i feel like yelling at them! but if i reflect back upon myself... well i do talk like that sometimes too when i'm not in the best of my moods... so... what right do i hv to tell other ppl off?! but sometimes just can't help it one right? like with parents... just not in the mood to say nice things or pleasing stuff... sometimes i feel that it's so contradicting that we try hard to get into friends', bosses', in-laws' good books etc... but never bother the least effort to be nice to our own folks. so yea, i totally feel what u r saying... *hugs*
yes and on top of that... already haven't foster the "i-love-u-and-u-love-me" relationship... so really it's tough to say some things, even if we feel it and want to say it... but just... so hard to really get it out in front of our folks. =/
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