If You Could Turn Back Time...

... would you want to change anything?

As a true Libra, I see things from different viewpoints. =p

If I really want to change, perhaps another family. Sad but true. Reason being if I were born in a different family, perhaps I'll not be the way I am now. I think your family really do play a part in shaping the way you are now. I see myself following my mum's footsteps, but all the bad points. -_- I don't like it. If I were say in a family like my cousins', perhaps, just perhaps, I'll be more ambitious, smarter at work, better in relationships, etc.

If I really want to change, perhaps to be more religious. Never wavering. I do believe there's a God, but many a times, I feel like He isn't watching over me as I'd like Him to. When I was at my most depressive moments, I can't feel Him. I lost the faith along the rocky path. But as my best friend would say, He just has better plans for me, but He's always there. Nah, I'm not preaching. I hate people who preach despite their better intentions. I'm not known for acknowledging people who try and preach me.

Still got others, but I think I'll just stop here. =p

But then again, if I can change things, what I have now will change too. Nothing is constant. And do I want to change things that I have now? Not very likely. Family relationship is better now than before. I have a loving husband who I have a love-hate relationship with. =p (Yah, sometimes he annoys the hell out of me and we fight like, quite constantly as poor Bui would know since she has to listen to me whine and complain and rant about him. Sorry! =x But still, he's still there for me. I'm just a difficult person to be with and so far only he can tahan me.) I enjoy what I'm doing now, really, though a better paycheck would be fabulous. =p I have friends whom I know I can keep for life.

If I really do change the past, I don't think I'll still find this job. I don't think I'll meet these kind of colleagues, friends and acquaintances. I don't think I'll meet those guys from my past. I don't think I'll meet him. I don't think I'll have the current life that I have. My life may be better, maybe worse. You'll never know.

It just makes me think that, one shouldn't focus on the past, thinking about the many 'if onlys', 'what ifs', 'what could haves', etc. Should might as well look forward and see how you can shape your future. What for wishing to turn back time and change things? It's not as if there's a guarantee that your life would be better now. It could just easily become worser.

I'm just so in a philosophical mood. -_- *yawns* I think I think too much sometimes. Lol.

I Wanna Complain...

Sorry Tam, wanna blog something else more interesting, but I wanna complain! Gonna be draggy. -_- As usual lah, about HIM!

His secondary school classmate invited him to her wedding. Then he never ask me or what, just say he going, then if I follow him what am I gonna do there. WTF. Means he not bringing me lah! -_-

Angry because he never ask me and make his own decision. Also because it makes me feel like he doesn't want to bring me go because too fat and ugly lor. So shameful. *SULKS* Then he gimme crap reasons like she invited him only, he just wanna save money (because if I go, means he gotta fork out more for angpao mah), and doesn't want to inconvenience her by asking if I can go or not.

What the hell lor. To me these are crap reasons. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Perhaps. But it just annoys the hell out of me. It doesn't help that he is also as bad-tempered as me. So two stubborn mules together, both go nowhere.

But no meh, if wedding dinner of course husband and wife go together what. Even if invitation card never write also expected one mah. So difficult to ask one meh? And ang pao money I cannot fork out half meh? What c**k lor. Maybe she don't know he ROM liao mah, so never ask him and his wife what. Duh.

Anyhow, am just frustrated. *Trying to think happy thoughts*

KL Trip...

Went ahead with the KL trip! =D So glad we did. Anyhow, we had to go, because his friend had already booked a hotel for us and coach tickets back to Singapore.

Enjoyed myself there, though please remind me NEVER to wear high heels there. Walked like mad lah. I didn't wear my sneakers up, because we wanted to buy new matching sneakers there. And I was going to wear my high boots there to the wedding dinner anyway. And it didn't help that stupid 'auntie visit' came just the day before lor. So tired from the long coach ride up, having blardy cramps and walking with my heavy bag in the stupid heels, made me REALLY grumpy.

And so of course we argued when we reached KLCC. He was grumpy too, because probably tired from the coach ride too, and worried about me, because I was stuck in the toilet for so long. So he was pulling a long face when I finally surfaced from the toilet. Which of course irritated me. But well, as usual lah, we don't argue for long. =p And I'm happy to report that no other arguments during the whole trip, so yeah! (Hey, it's an achievement lor. =p Bui will know why. Lol.)

Anyhow, KL definitely is not a place for me. Too many good food! Went out with his brother's family, and ate SO much! But enjoyed spending time with them. =) Had a good time at the dinner too, with his friends, though I look pretty retarded there, because everyone spoke Cantonese, and my Cantonese is pretty limited. -_- I only understood bits and pieces lor. Worse is that he also started talking to me in Cantonese. -_-

But I'm so proud of myself! *smirks* For once I tried to be unselfish and reasonable and understanding lor. Hahahahaha... Let him have fun going for a foot massage with his friends for slightly less than an hour, instead of making him come back to the hotel with me to countdown for my birthday lor. And I went back and packed our bags for him. It was a total mess when we left for the dinner, because we ended up changing clothes for the dinner. (Brought our ROM suits, because he wanted to wear that, so might as well follow him lor. But ended up last minute changing back to NORMAL clothes. =p And you know I'm a messy person. =x)

So yah, so poor me was alone in the hotel room on my birthday. He came back right after the massage lah. =p Thought he may wanted to go out for supper or something with his friend, since he hasn't met up with him for ages. I had smsed him to say it's ok, I'll be fine on my own. =p

Anyhow, yah, *beams* At least he appreciates all that! Heee... Nothing much on my birthday though, no surprises, what not. *sighs* But well, he's like that lah. What to do. -_- Blockhead. But still a loveable one. =) This trip has been real successful I must say. Hopefully the next one will be just as fun and happy! =) But don't know when lah. Should be next year bah. =(

Anyway, thanks all for the birthday wishes. Really touched. =) *muacks* Love ya all!

Funeral...

Sometimes I hate myself for being so petty. Like I told Bui on Monday, when his godma had passed away, I hated myself for not accompanying him on Sunday when he went to visit her. Granted, I didn't know she was so sick. I thought he was only going to drop by and see her. I had sulked because he was about to leave the house without me, without telling me where he was going. So when I had thrown tantrum before he stepped out, he just said he was going to his godma, and only when I sulked and asked why he didn't ask me, did he ask. By then I was already fuming because it's like, HELLO, this type of thing don't need to ask lor. You tell me I'll sure go with you one. But then when he asked I refused to go and sulked in the room. Only when he returned, did he explain that he was just worried that I'll be uncomfortable or scared being there since she was so sick.

And then Monday morning, she passed away.

So yeah, I still felt much regret for not going, so throwing tantrums. *sighs* I just feel so bad. Not to mention feeling guilty for daring to even THINK how my KL trip and birthday is ruined because he said most probably we're not going to KL anymore to attend the wedding. -_- Bad right? Haiz.

Anyhow, I just hope he won't be feeling so sad. Because he sort of thinks he was a jinx, because she died the next day after seeing him. But it was otherwise. Apparently, she had deteriorated on Wednesday or something, and then she just couldn't fall asleep. Only after seeing him, did she sleep and then she never woke up. =( She even bought him a gold ring after his mum showed her our ROM photos, which her kids passed to him yesterday.

Sighs. I just wish I don't have to attend anymore funerals. (I went back with him to accompany him.) Depressing. And I hate how he doesn't tell me how he feels, what he's thinking.

But this whole issue has taught me something. That you don't know when you'll die. It's best to have no regrets. At least, more or less, his godma shouldn't have much regrets. Seeing how she had waited to see him before she left. She had said her goodbyes to him. And I really should learn to control my stubborness and temper. -_-

Only he can tahan me and lets me off for all my tantrums, stubborness and such. I think only he can really love me despite all my faults.

Jaded...

I don't know why, but am feeling so jaded.

I'm sick of feeling this way. I want to go back to feeling so carefree and happy-go-lucky. But have I ever felt that way before in the first place?

Why can't things be simpler? And yet sometimes it's me who think things into things more complicated than they really are.

Hopefully the reason why I'm feeling this way is because of PMS. PRE. =(

Usually when I'm having PMS, I get pretty oversensitive. Like, way overboard. So yah, I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like he loves me lesser because I'm getting so fat.

*sighs*

Times like this, I wish I were aneroxic.